Words to live and write by

MANIFESTO OF THE BRAVE
AND BROKENHEARTED

There is no greater threat to the critics
and cynics and fearmongers
Than those of us who are willing to fall
Because we have learned how to rise.

With skinned knees and bruised hearts;
We choose owning our stories of struggle,
Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.

When we deny our stories, they define us.
When we run from struggle, we are never free.
So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.

We will not be characters in our stories.
Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.

We are the authors of our lives.
We write our own daring endings.

We craft love from heartbreak,
Compassion from shame,
Grace from disappointment,
Courage from failure.

Showing up is our power.
Story is our way home. Truth is our song.
We are the brave and brokenhearted.
We are rising strong.

- Brene Brown, "Rising Strong"

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How Time Out Works at Our House

You know those Mommy-Freak-Out Days? If you are a mom, you know what I mean. Today is a Freak-Out Day for me. Details are pretty irrelevant - typical reasons a mom might freak out, you've heard them all before. I am just not handling anything right now. So I am in Time Out. I've locked myself in my room and I'm not allowed to come out until I can start reacting appropriately and rationally. (It's okay, Daddy's home early from work, and Grandma & Grandpa are visiting, so my threenager is not unsupervised.)

I figure I better model how this Time Out thing works for my little girl. You see, when she does something to get in trouble, there is a consequence, and she usually doesn't like it. But we reserve Time Out for when she's not necessarily making mischief, she is just not handling things appropriately. She is exactly like me in this. When everything is blown out of proportion and we get snappy and cranky and angry, it usually means we are hungry or tired or just need to cool down. And I am just as susceptible to this as my child. So when I can't handle things, when I'm overreacting, and food or a little rest doesn't help, I need a Time Out. Lana often PUTS me in Time Out - she KNOWS. And we both know that whoever is in Time Out needs to mellow down before they can come out.


Obviously, I have my laptop in Time Out right now. So I just felt like saying, "It's one of Those Days." Not for pity, just for a few "I have those, too - you are not failing because that happens." Because that helps me calm down some. And also to make a commitment somewhere that later, when I can handle life again, I am going to rewrite today and make it better. Because I have the power to do that. Once I regain control of my perspective, I can change it and focus on the good moments, and make one of "THOSE (bad) Days" into one of "Those (great) days." I can do it. ... in a few more minutes or so.

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No Soliciting!

Okay, I'm a nice person. I am. But nap time is sacred. And solicitors are a pet peeve (I know, they're all just trying to earn money, but still).

So I've got this handmade sign at my door that reads: "I'm not buying; I'm not signing. You can't sway my vote or my religion. And HEAVEN HELP YOU if you wake me or my baby from a nap. Seriously, NO SOLICITING! (Exceptions: Girl Scout cookies and LDS Missionaries.) - That covers most everything, right?

Now, I have a good view of the front porch from my computer, and I often watch solicitors approach my door, read the sign and walk away (or for better entertainment, read, start to walk away, turn around, read again, then walk away a bit faster). I think the capital letters really get my point across.

But today.... Today I watched two men, obviously not starving college students, walk up to my door, read my sign, *during nap time!*, and "knock,knock,knock,knock!"

I sat a while and debated whether to open the door. They began to walk away, and I thought, "Oh no. Not during nap time. Not today. Today I am feeling FEISTY!" And no one messes with a feisty Hannah.

So I opened my door, caught them on the bottom porch step, and said, "Excuse me!" They turned around. "Did you read the sign?"

Open mouth and hesitation. "Uh yeah... Well... We were just at your neighbor's house and they have the exact same roof and we're doing pricing..."

I cut them off, point to the sign, and say with a smile, "Not buying."

Open mouths again. "Okay, but we'll be back tomorrow and..."

I cut them off again and point at the house, smile really big, "Baby's napping! Did you read the sign?"

This time hands are in the air and defensive positions are taken, whispered words, "Okay, sorry. Have a nice day."

I smile and wave them off.

Yep. Those capital letters really get my point across. I didn't have to yell. Didn't have to get all mean. I just smiled and repeated a couple phrases from the sign. Feisty Hannah is still nice - they just knew that "HEAVEN HELP YOU!" was standing behind my pretty smiles.

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The Refiner's Fire Is Real

 May I learn to see my life's challenges as part of refinement. And may I learn to apply refined qualities in a manner such as this.

God has been schooling me (in different areas) to know how to comfort, to know "how to do it because I've been through it."

May I also bear my own testimony that the deeper the sorrow and the longer you spend in the valley of death, the greater your capacity to experience joy and savor the sweetness of life!

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Gems of Love

Last week I was blessed to attend bridal showers and receptions for three separate weddings, all for people I greatly admire. Amidst it all, I was reminded of a line from "Eat. Pray. Love." which I will misquote here: "The funny thing about weddings is that you always end up thinking about your own." It was only too true.

Part of it may be that once upon a time two of these wonderful young women were students of mine and seeing them married was a big reality check to how much time has passed. Most of it is probably that I am approaching my own tenth wedding anniversary this summer. Time has this funny way of seeming simultaneously too short and too long. As in, "I can't have been married for ten years - I'd have to be older for that!" and at the same time, "Has it only been ten years? We've been through so much and know each other so well it may as well have been thirty."

So as I reminisced about my own wedding, I pulled down my photo album and spent some nostalgic time enjoying the pictures. We had a team of two photographers - a married couple - and while one took all the posed shots, the other moved around and outside us snapping candid shots. I love all our pictures, but I've come to appreciate the candid shots so much over the years because they captured genuine, unexpected emotions.

As I looked at the pictures, I thought about what I knew about love ten years ago and what I know about it now. At bridal showers and receptions they often ask for marriage advice. So I've decided to dispense some of my meager advice about love. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so consider this advice very, very lengthy. 

And - Happy encroaching 10th Anniversary to my wonderful husband and myself.

 

This was us - ten years ago.
They say love is blind. That may be why each of us see these and say, "Oh, I've gotten old!" and Anthony sweetly says, "No - you look
pretty much the same."

Love must be blind.

Love is when you walk in tandem - without realizing it.

 

It's in the look I fell in love with - and still do.

It's in the look he fell in love with - and still does.

  Love is in the details. Life is in the details.

 

Love works when you laugh at his jokes.

Love is an adventure.

Love is in the look I have for him

when no one is watching.

Love is in the look he has for me

when no one is watching.

Love is when the pieces just seem to fit.

 

  Love is when I don't have to worry 
about climbing a grassy hill in ridiculous heels 
because I know he's got me.

Love is when you look at your groom
and your only thought is,
"When can we get outta here?"

Then you do the whole reception all over
a week later, don't try so hard,
realize you've forgotten half your wardrobe,
and end up looking 14 years old.
(Okay, that's not love. That's just funny.)

Sometimes love means letting go.

And sometimes love means holding on.

Love is learning in your first dance as a couple
that it's not just about you anymore -
it's about a whole new family to love.
 

Some memories get a little fuzzy with time,
but you learn all that's important to remember
is that there was love.

Love begins...

 

and in its beauty and magic and power...

it grows...

 

and expands...

and stretches on...

 

for eternity.

 

It has been a wild, wonderful decade. 

Thanks for sharing these amazing ten years with me, husband. 

I look forward to learning gems about love with you forever and ever.

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Shine!

Five Best Ways to Shine:
1. Eliminate the poisons from your life.
2. Get quiet every single day.
3. Know that you are a soul, not a role.
4. Live in abundance and lift others up.
5. Just show up, scared.

Glennon Melton:




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Surrender

The white flag is out and waving. I am calling for a truce. More than that, I am surrendering. I cannot fight the battles any longer.

This is where I am:

Not much happening from here. This is a surrender of necessity. I am begging to please, please, just let the battles end, because I can't do it any longer.

I want to heal. I want my surrender to look like this:

The kind of surrender that says, "I surrender myself to you because I trust you. Because I know you will keep my head above water, because I know you will guide me gracefully where I need to go."

Not this:

Not this, which you will recognize as that curled up on the floor position I told you I was in earlier. That position that is begging to please, please, just let the battles end, because I can't do it any longer. Trust and faith to float to the surface are mysterious things to me right now. Right now, I need air. I need safety. I need time to recover.

So please, I give up. I give up on everything. Take it. Take it all. Take me. I need a time out.

 

Give me time and healing enough to realize that I want to surrender. I want to put my life in God's hands, to let Him do the work, to be one with the flow of the universe around me, to stop fighting back, to stop battling and start living. Give me the wisdom and the grace to remember every day that surrendering each day should look and feel like this:

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"Where I Stood" - Missy Higgins

I can't express current emotions better than this:

10-2015 Post Script: I viewed this song differently than you'd think. This was how I felt about choosing to give up trying to conceive and choosing to adopt instead. This is how I felt, knowing I had another child that needed to come to my family, and knowing I wouldn't be the one to carry her/him - that another woman would take my place in that role.

Maybe I should be blogging more about this journey, but it's just so personal and tumultuous, and I usually like to write those stories when there is some kind of conclusion - and I don't know when that will happen. Sorry for the general absence of posts in the meantime.

Whirlwinds

So many whirlwinds in our lives. Sometimes I feel they will never end. But these prophetic words remind me that despite the storms that rage, despite how I am blown about, I am strong, and I am God's beautiful creation.

"In nature, trees that grow up in a windy environment become stronger. As winds whip around a young sapling, forces inside the tree do two things. First, they stimulate the roots to grow faster and spread farther. Second, the forces in the tree start creating cell structures that actually make the trunk and branches thicker and more flexible to the pressure of the wind. These stronger roots and branches protect the tree from winds that are sure to return.

"You are infinitely more precious to God than a tree. You are His son or His daughter. He made your spirit strong and capable of being resilient to the whirlwinds of life."

-Neil L. Andersen of The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

“Remember … it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, … his shafts in the whirlwind, … when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power … to drag you down … because of the rock upon which ye are built.” Helaman 5:12


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"Encounter"

 "Encounter"
by Ellen Bryson Remington

A learned friend from time gone by
When my pursuits were intellecutal
Crossed my path today; and glancing
Quickly at my rounded middle,
Noting the smudges there from little hands,
The wrinkles, too, from childish tears,
He asked, "What are you into now?"

I wish I could have made him understand.
"I'm into graphic arts - a type
Advanced beyond the popular conception.
I deal in shapes so intricate, so exsquisite
That in this life I'll never know their limits."

I thought how every day I shape so many things:
I shape the edges of a pie,
I shape a diaper to the tiny legs,
I shape some flowers from our small backyard,
The covers on a bed till they are
Soft and welcoming.
I shape small eager hands around a ball
And show them how to throw.

But also with my mind and with my love
I shape the tense and troubled hours;
I take them formless, dark, and shape them
Into light and warmth for spirits' growing.
I guide a pliant, loving mind
Now fresh and good from God,
I try to  show him things our Savior would.

I shape the design of his temperament,
The pattern of his moods,
I shape desires in his heart
Of this world and another.

And now in me another life is shaped -
The way he'll look and stand,
The contours of his hands -
And God is partner to that shaping.

Let those who do not understand
Think I'm lost in Merely Mothering.
I smile - and shape my daily chores
Into eternal joy.



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He Knows

This is what my soul would sound like right now if it could sing. And mostly, the line, "He'll carry you," is a prayer, a grasping hope - faith in desperation.

 "He'll Carry You" - Hillary Weeks




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