“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
- Anne Lamott
Monday, June 30, 2014
Sunday, June 8, 2014
We are now on Day 2 of Our Second Infertility Battle. Meaning that this is the second day I am taking pills to screw with my hormones in ways that will hopefully produce a child.
Day 1 was a breeze. Well, once I got myself calmed down enough to actually swallow the pill.
Day 2 - I am now feeling some of my body's protests at what is being done to it. Mood swings from hell happening here. Example: putting my child down for a nap: she cries her I'm-so-tired-I-don't-know-what-else-to-do cry; normally this elicits some sort of "Aww, poor baby" response within me; today - ha! - today felt more like a "Will someone just get this kid to shut up!" response. I never had PPD, and don't usually (almost never, lucky me) have those feelings towards my child, so this super moody response scared the [strong word of choice] out of me and I ceased being able to function. I held it together long enough to give her milk, sing sweet songs, and put her in bed. But when she wouldn't stay in bed, I left the room, hollered at my husband that it was his problem, and sank onto the kitchen floor with my head between my knees. Once the chaos found me there, I retreated to my room, were I quickly found Lana's newborn pictures and hospital bracelet - so incredibly tiny! - and started crying. Crying for all the reasons. All of them.
So now I'm at the computer, and I know this post isn't as sweet as some others, but it's my truth at the moment.
At the moment I am feeling all the feelings.
In case you are wondering how I can do that, here are some images for you visual people. I am ALL OF THESE, at once, all the time. And I never know what to expect when or for how long, or how random combinations will come out. It's terribly confusing and frustratingly uncontrollable. (Be patient with me, I beg of you.)
So... All The Feelings:
Leave your thoughts and comments please!