Surrender

The white flag is out and waving. I am calling for a truce. More than that, I am surrendering. I cannot fight the battles any longer.

This is where I am:

Not much happening from here. This is a surrender of necessity. I am begging to please, please, just let the battles end, because I can't do it any longer.

I want to heal. I want my surrender to look like this:

The kind of surrender that says, "I surrender myself to you because I trust you. Because I know you will keep my head above water, because I know you will guide me gracefully where I need to go."

Not this:

Not this, which you will recognize as that curled up on the floor position I told you I was in earlier. That position that is begging to please, please, just let the battles end, because I can't do it any longer. Trust and faith to float to the surface are mysterious things to me right now. Right now, I need air. I need safety. I need time to recover.

So please, I give up. I give up on everything. Take it. Take it all. Take me. I need a time out.

 

Give me time and healing enough to realize that I want to surrender. I want to put my life in God's hands, to let Him do the work, to be one with the flow of the universe around me, to stop fighting back, to stop battling and start living. Give me the wisdom and the grace to remember every day that surrendering each day should look and feel like this:

Leave your thoughts and comments please!

"Where I Stood" - Missy Higgins

I can't express current emotions better than this:

10-2015 Post Script: I viewed this song differently than you'd think. This was how I felt about choosing to give up trying to conceive and choosing to adopt instead. This is how I felt, knowing I had another child that needed to come to my family, and knowing I wouldn't be the one to carry her/him - that another woman would take my place in that role.

Maybe I should be blogging more about this journey, but it's just so personal and tumultuous, and I usually like to write those stories when there is some kind of conclusion - and I don't know when that will happen. Sorry for the general absence of posts in the meantime.