Words to Live and Write by

I am willing to fall Because I have learned how to rise.

I craft Love from heartbreak, Compassion from shame, Grace from disappointment, Courage from failure.

I am among the brave and brokenhearted, and I am rising strong.

(credit to Brene Brown)

Monday, November 17, 2014

Bee Still

Here's a radical idea: What if what I'm doing now, as little or simple as it seems, is truly all I'm supposed to be doing right now?

I'm trying to wrap my brain around this. I've been frustrated with God lately because no matter how long or how hard or how often I pray, He's staying tight-lipped, silent. I know I'm not out of touch with His Spirit, because I feel that, confirming truths and moving my soul (just never moving it to action), so I know I'm in a good place. And I know God hears me, but He just isn't answering. 

I finally got myself to the temple last week and had a few moments to myself and told God to just say something. Tell me anything. I felt peace and calm, but received no directions. Later that week, I explained to Anthony, again, how frustrated I am with the situation. And I asked if he thought it would be inappropriate to ask for a blessing with this. I told him, I know God speaks through Priesthood blessings, and if I can't get Him to talk directly to me, maybe I can get Him to talk to someone else for me.

So we did that. And I am so enormously thankful for my husband who knows how to give a blessing of comfort as I need it - he WAITS until he knows what he needs to say, and I love the long pauses because I know he's listening so hard with his own spirit and heart for the right words. 

The overall message God sent to me was, "It's alright. You are doing enough. I'm not going to ask you for any more than what you are doing right now, so just stop fretting and trust me. I'll tell you when you need to get moving again." (It may have come across with a feeling that added a bit more of a "knock it off" flavor to it all.)

In this gospel, where we're so frequently called to be anxiously engaged in good causes, to find service opportunities and missionary opportunities, to be busy, busy, busy like the Deseret bee, being told not to do any more feels a little radical and frankly, too good to be true. But I felt it as truth. And now I'm trying to accept that as my truth right now. 

It's hard to accept what I'm doing as enough. It feels so meager. Physical, mental, and emotional taxation runs high for me, and a lot of my hardest work is resting. Rest and sleep don't look much like hard work, but I am fighting to recover my body and that is part of what it takes.I have a lot of projects, big and small, being pushed aside for later because I don't have the stamina. I'm dragging myself through most days. And yet, somehow, knowing what kind of condition I'm in, I STILL feel like I need to be that Deseret bee.
But the answer is no. Don't be a bee. Still the bees. Be still.

Leave your thoughts and comments please!