Well, it might be time to go public with this, mostly because (despite how many anti-anxiety pills I'm taking) I'm having a pretty serious panic attack. Can't sleep. Can't hold still. Can't figure out what it is I want to say. So please bear with me if you can.
Straight out (easiest way): Anthony and I are going to have another baby.
No, we're not pregnant. We haven't even removed my IUD, so we're not even officially trying. But it's going to happen. And sooner, rather than later.
I know this because God's still, small voice has been growing louder and more restless in my mind--for months--to the point that it's occupying my thoughts more than I would care for.
I'm going to have another baby. And that scares the [strong word of choice] out of me!
During and after my last pregnancy, I flat out told anyone who'd listen, including God, that I would NEVER do that again. Never. Not for any reason. Even if God sent an angel to tell me, I'd probably laugh and say, "Yeah, right."
Well, God didn't send an angel. Turns out I didn't need one. Instead, he planted a seed in my stony, stubborn heart, and somehow (don't ask me how) turned my heart into fertile soil. And that seed has grown until it fills my whole being with the knowledge--and even the desire--of my next child. You want to talk about miracles? That's a freaking miracle!
Here's the catch: I'm terrified. There are so many unknowns, so many things I don't feel ready or capable to handle.
Will I be so sick again? The doctor suspects so; hyperemesis tends to be consistent, but it shouldn't be as bad without the ovarian issues of last time. How will I take care of Lana if I'm so sick? Some days I feel like I'm barely making it through, and I'm (relatively) healthy. Who could I call on, last-minute, on especially hard days without feeling guilty?
Will Lana feel neglected if I can't spend as much time and energy on her because I have to hover near the toilet?
How on earth do I go from one to TWO?
Who will hold my hand through this process?
Who will be my earthly angels to carry me through? Isn't that a lot to ask?
What if I lose more babies as we try to carry a pregnancy? What if we don't and our babies are close together in age?
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm getting into. And it terrifies me.
All I know is that the Spirit's whisper has become a shout and I must obey. I have to trust God will make this work; it's His idea, after all. Heaven help me, I MUST obey.
We'll keep you posted on any developments, of course, but for now, if you see a look of panic in my eyes, this is probably why. Give me a hug, hold my hand, and tell me it will be okay.
I can't imagine the faith it must take to face hyperemesis and pregnancy complications again. But I know what it's like to be told the next baby needs to come. I was terrified, too--my PPD was worse the second time around, and I had less support. And my oldest was old enough to remember my melting down--I think some of her anxiety comes from those dark days. But we made it through, and I could tell better from the other end of each trial why my girls needed to come when they did. When third girl announced her imminent arrival (a definite surprise), I was horrified. HORRIFIED. Like, seriously considering placing third baby for adoption horrified--no joke. I am that debilitated by depression. But she has been so awesome, and for this round, the Lord staved off PPD until after I'd developed a connection with her. It's the first time I've enjoyed having a baby in our home, as hard as it's been. And I've found friends and support I didn't have last time. You'll find what you need to get through, even if it comes from the service of others, and even if those blessings are only recognizable in hindsight (as so many are!).
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