Musing some more

You may have noticed I muse over music - a lot. I relate to music and art, it's part of being a highly-sensitive person. (There's a whole book: "The Highly Sensitive Person.")


 "Let It All Out" - Relient K

"You promise me that you believe in time I will defeat this, 'cause somewhere in me there is strength."


"Brave" - Sara Bareilles
(You get TWO versions of this video, because I see it so differently when I pay attention to the lyrics, and when I see the official video Sara made, especially when someone's "brave" dance encourages strangers to open up and join in.)

Sara Bareilles // Brave from The Wall Group on Vimeo.

"Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live. Maybe one of these days you can let the light in. Show me how big your brave is."

"Dark Side" - Kelly Clarkson

"Don't give up on me. Please remind me who I really am.
Nobody's a picture perfect, but we're worth it."


"Not Afraid" - Eminem
(Disclaimer/Warning: DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO IF YOU CAN'T MENTALLY EDIT HIS WORDS)

"This black cloud still follows me around 
But it's time to exorcise these demons
And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!
We'll walk this road together, through the storm."

A few glimpses of Lana

It's difficult to get pictures of Lana lately. She's so busy and bouncy and active. Also, as soon as I pull out the camera, she stops whatever it is she is doing and comes running to grab the camera - she likes to be the one taking shots. Pun intended. However, here are a few cute things about here lately. (You're welcome, Grandmas!)

"But Mom, these bubble baths have PRINCESSES on them!! How can you buy only one when there are, like, seven of them on the shelf?"

Best purchase this year: A three-foot stuffed Tigger for $4 at Goodwill (and of course a Pooh bear to go with it). Lana totes this guy everywhere, and goes to bed snuggled up against him with a great big smile on her face.

Lana gets her workouts by watching Tigger songs. Apparently he encourages VERY energetic bouncing.

Winnie the Pooh and Tigger each have their own chair at our family dinner table now.

Lana knows all the letters of the alphabet (my genius daughter!), but I don't think she realizes the ABC's song is singing the letters. She calls it "Baby Sees," and sings along repeating those words over and over.

My lucky little girl got to shake the hand of an Apostle today, one of God's own prophets.

My two-year-old's prayers: "Heavenly Father, babble, babble, babble, amen!" If I were God, those would be my favorite. 

You can tell Lana was born and raised an Oregonian. When the cloud cover eases up enough to let the sun shine through, if we drive in the car she covers her eyes with her hands and cries, "The sky! The sky!" and asks me to turn off the light. 

The Cracks Let the Light Shine Through

"Expansion" by Paige Bradley

 
I think know God has a bigger plan here. I am regaining just enough strength and perspective to see a few things.

First, this will pass. It is an episode, not a forever condition, although the physiological factors underlying it may be with me for life. But this dark and scary pit is one I will climb out of, as I have done before. 

Second, this experience will actually make me stronger. I don't buy the phrase "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger," because sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it leaves you weaker, damaged, and afraid, and the best (or worst) thing that can be said about it is that it didn't kill you. But this time is different. It's different because I am responding differently. Instead of waiting for the storm to pass, waiting to see the light ahead, I am taking a stand. I am shedding the shame and I am sharing, asking for and accepting help. New help - things I haven't tried before. I am determined to find a way to live my life so I am no longer walking along the edge of the precipice, liable to fall at the slightest push. I don't know how I'll do it, or how long it will take, or how hard it will be - but I will find a way. This time I am fighting back.

Third, God may actually have a purpose in this. It might not, in fact, be just the condition of my body, or just my life's trial to learn to live with, though it certainly is that. I'm starting to believe that God wants me to fight back, to learn how to be stronger, not for my sake alone but for others.

It's becoming clear to me that this trial might be similar to my struggles with infertility and pregnancy complications. When kept to myself, they are a heavy cross to bear. But when shared they become a conduit for empathy, for connection with other people in ways that would be impossible had I not experienced those things for myself.

Don't misunderstand me, this doesn't make my trial any easier, but it does give me hope and purpose, and those are powerful things. I may not be able to "beat" this, but I can come to understand it and let my broken-open heart fill with empathy and a greater capacity to love others.

“The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe.” - Joanna Macy

Here's what God has to say on the matter: "The books on high will be opened and they will record the great messages that you have delivered, the charity that you have exhibited, the love you have shared, and the great things you have accomplished in this mortal life." And so on. (The rest is sacred and private to me.)

That has always seemed a tall order to fill, an impossible task really, to be the person He describes. But I'm beginning to see how He's making me that person. The process isn't easy; it requires me to go through some pretty hard stuff - I dare say some of life's hardest. 

But what if those "great messages" are really one-on-one conversations with a person in pain, when I can simply and honestly say, "I know what it's like, and you are not alone." What if the charity and love and "great things" I accomplish are not with the proverbial ninety and nine, but with one - one precious soul at a time, for each individual is precious beyond measure. 


To quote a hymn that's been on my mind, God sends blessings "through words and deeds of those who love." And true friends are His greatest gifts. What better friend can a person have than one who climbs into the pit with them and reassures, "You are not alone," while God does His work to help them find their way back into the light.


So all this breaking me - physically, mentally, and emotionally - may be for the express purpose that I know what it's like to be broken. After all, God asks us to lay at His altar a "broken heart and a contrite spirit" (see Isaiah 57:15 and Psalm 34:18). I'd always thought of these two things in relation to forgiveness. Contrite does mean remorseful or full of grief. But what if it can also mean something else? I'm a student of Latin, so I always search for meaning in the roots of words. Con means "with" or "together," and trite means "worn out" or "frequently used." Put the two together, and a contrite spirit may mean a spirit that is willing to be used by God, willing to submit to Him to the degree that we ourselves are so worn out that God is the One working. 

It occurs to me that when I break, if I offer up the pieces of myself willingly to God, He will put me back together as He wants me to be. I am like a broken vessel (see Psalm 31). And each time I get put back together there remain a few additional cracks for Light to shine through.